I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
