nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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