As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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