I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
