Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Text me some of your sweat
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
