I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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