when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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