DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
we should paint friendship bongs
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