Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
