OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
is that a dick in a sweater?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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