no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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