Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i came on her dog
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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