You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
