I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I didn't notice because vodka
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
