I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
