i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
