I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
