Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
