I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
