I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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