if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
