They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
