why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
