I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras