Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.