Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
