There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
