I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
