I can text with my tongue
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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