someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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