foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
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I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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