you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
