i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
