the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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