Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
