I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
