she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
