I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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