Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
