My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
