jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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