My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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