I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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