My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
