Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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