Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
