i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
