I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize