We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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