I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
