I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.