sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
