remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
