Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
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I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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