You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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