I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
