She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
