I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
