As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
