I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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